I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
