Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
