Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
