Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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