i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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