onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
