i think i have herpe
just one?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
