she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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