Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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