You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
