Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
