Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
