Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
