My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize