Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
