You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize