life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
