The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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