fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize