then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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