No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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