well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
please don't ironically join a cult
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