I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
