If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
how does that bad decision feel?
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