Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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