I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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