We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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