if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
