All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize