Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
