No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize