Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
