My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
