Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
