puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Randomize
