Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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