get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
