I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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