Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
