Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
