I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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