Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
