its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
