I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
