I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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