flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
