a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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