Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
