you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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