Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
