Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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