Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
