Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
