he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
