I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
