It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
