i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
