a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
