Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
