The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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