And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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