I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize